I know i haven't updated this is a long time, and i honestly doubt anyone reads it anymore. I felt like i needed to write down some things tonight, that have been going through my head recently, and get some things out. At the current stage of my life, i don't have many friends. Those that i do have, i don't feel especially close to. Most are married, and having their second or third child, or have just recently graduated high school and are starting college life. I just don't fit. Being 29 and single is an odd situation for a mormon guy in utah. It's not that i don't want to be married, i really do, and it's not that i haven't tried, because i have, but i guess thats jumping ahead a little bit.
Tonight i heard the news that my ex-girlfriend got engaged. This brought a stir of emotions from me, most of which were quite unpleasant. I don't really enjoy being sad. Why should i feel this way? Well, it's only been a month since she cheated on me. I guess im not really over her yet, and here she is, getting engaged to the same guy she cheated on me with. We had been dating off and on for about 3 years, and i was getting ready to propose myself. It turns out she didn't quite feel the same way about me as i did about her, which is now quite apparent. This would have been my second engagement. I'm told i should consider myself lucky that it never officially got to that point.
So why didn't they work out? Why haven't i gotten married yet, and why the obsession over marriage? I've been asking myself those very questions for a long time now. Growing up in high school, i wasn't cool, good looking, or very popular. I thought i was the best looking guy on the block.. i wasn't. I longed for attention from girls, and just couldn't get it. Oh i had plenty of "friends" but not what a teenage guy was looking for. So i asked my female friends what they looked for in a guy. We've all heard the answers, and I started my quest to become that guy. It wasn't really hard for me, i naturally had most of them down anyway. Being raised in a big family, with crazy abusive parents, manners were beat in to me. Literally.
One friend suggested that i need to learn to love myself, before i can be loved by another. So i set out to make a list of my qualities i love about myself.
I've always tried to live right. Be honest, and open. Be a good listener, be chivalrous, always open the ladies door, bring her flowers for no reason. Tell her how she makes you feel. Love kids, and know how to take care of them as well as play with them. I love to cook, and am quite good at it. I dance (in fact i make a living as a dance teacher!). I know how to do hair, and makeup. How to sew, do laundry, give basic massages (mostly for sports injuries, but relatively the same). CPR certified. Patient (did i mention i teach high school?) I work hard, and love to laugh and have fun. I live within my means, try to save a little for the rainy days, exercise, eat mostly healthy. My church attendance has been waning a little, due to the fact that my singles wards are either all my youngest siblings ages, 10+ years younger than myself, or are filled with my previous high school students. Talk about awkward. Perhaps its time i settle in to a family ward.. Regardless, i have a strong faith and testimony of Jesus Christ, and my religion. I served and returned a faithful full time LDS missionary. And last, but not least, I'm attractive. (A lot has changed since high school!)
So why can't i find a girl?
When it comes to girls I am incredibly shy, and awkward. Why i don't know.. Why the obsession? Good question. I have thought about this a lot recently, and what i have come up with may sound like an enormous pity party, but it seems to fit.
I won't get into a detailed history of my childhood, but i grew up in a verbally, physically, and emotional abusive household. I honestly have a hard time remembering a lot of my childhood. Former counselors have told me this is because i repress a lot of memories. My memory hasn't been all that great anyway. What i do remember from my childhood isn't a lot of love. In fact, I speak to most of my family as little as possible. There just isn't a lot of love to go around there. Perhaps because there was so many kids. Even within my siblings, i have only spoken to one of my brothers in the past 3 months. Its been at least 6 months for my mother, and working on close to 15 years for my father. What does this have to do with me wanting to find a girlfriend?
I'm a leech.
Okay, so girls reading this (if anyone actually reads this) will probably find that enormously unattractive and run the other way. Little explanation..
Most people in relationships, when they get to the "love" stage, assuming they've figured out what "love" is.. seem to try and categorize their love for a person. Generally a feeling of attachment they have, based on other forms of "love" they have in their life. When they realize the person they are in "love" with, isn't the one they want to spend forever with, they break up with them, returning to the love and support from within their own family, self, or friends. Therein lies my problem.
I don't feel a lot of love from my family. Close to none if i was to be blunt. Not only have i not communicated with them in a long time, they haven't had any desire to reciprocate it. In fact, none of them even know where i live. Only a few have my phone number, and a couple aren't even Facebook friends! (gasp!) My relationship with friends has turned in to a Facebook only friendship. Granted they are all busy raising families, and living their lives.. But the point is, i don't really have many friends. (refer to above) So when i find someone and fall in love with them, i end up dedicating my entire self to them. I'm not sure if this is good or bad during a relationship, but i can tell you for a surety, that after a breakup, it is a very bad thing!
When i heard the news that my ex was engaged, a bit less than a month after she cheated on me and broke up with me.. It hurt. I don't know why, but it did. Jealousy, abandonment.. who knows..
I wanted someone to talk to about it, so i text my one brother that i still talk to semi regularly, a couple of old college friends, and a very young friend. The friends were all sympathetic, offered their condolences, and insulted the girl to try and make me feel better. My brother laughed at me. Hope that drives home that point.
So ultimately.. Lack of love in my life means i have a great desire to search it out
Anyway- I don't think this really had a point to it.. Just felt like i needed to get it written down somewhere.
If you happen to read this.. let me know. Part of the reason i put it up here is because i doubt anyone actually reads this anymore!
