How can i love someone who's betrayed me? It doesn't make any sense. And how can i make myself love another? Tell me that.

I don't know what to do. I have no idea.. what to do. What shall i do?

-You must do what your heart tells you-

-Merlin s4e11

I know i haven't updated this is a long time, and i honestly doubt anyone reads it anymore. I felt like i needed to write down some things tonight, that have been going through my head recently, and get some things out. At the current stage of my life, i don't have many friends. Those that i do have, i don't feel especially close to. Most are married, and having their second or third child, or have just recently graduated high school and are starting college life. I just don't fit. Being 29 and single is an odd situation for a mormon guy in utah. It's not that i don't want to be married, i really do, and it's not that i haven't tried, because i have, but i guess thats jumping ahead a little bit.

Tonight i heard the news that my ex-girlfriend got engaged. This brought a stir of emotions from me, most of which were quite unpleasant. I don't really enjoy being sad. Why should i feel this way? Well, it's only been a month since she cheated on me. I guess im not really over her yet, and here she is, getting engaged to the same guy she cheated on me with. We had been dating off and on for about 3 years, and i was getting ready to propose myself. It turns out she didn't quite feel the same way about me as i did about her, which is now quite apparent. This would have been my second engagement. I'm told i should consider myself lucky that it never officially got to that point.

So why didn't they work out? Why haven't i gotten married yet, and why the obsession over marriage? I've been asking myself those very questions for a long time now. Growing up in high school, i wasn't cool, good looking, or very popular. I thought i was the best looking guy on the block.. i wasn't. I longed for attention from girls, and just couldn't get it. Oh i had plenty of "friends" but not what a teenage guy was looking for. So i asked my female friends what they looked for in a guy. We've all heard the answers, and I started my quest to become that guy. It wasn't really hard for me, i naturally had most of them down anyway. Being raised in a big family, with crazy abusive parents, manners were beat in to me. Literally.

One friend suggested that i need to learn to love myself, before i can be loved by another. So i set out to make a list of my qualities i love about myself.

I've always tried to live right. Be honest, and open. Be a good listener, be chivalrous, always open the ladies door, bring her flowers for no reason. Tell her how she makes you feel. Love kids, and know how to take care of them as well as play with them. I love to cook, and am quite good at it. I dance (in fact i make a living as a dance teacher!). I know how to do hair, and makeup. How to sew, do laundry, give basic massages (mostly for sports injuries, but relatively the same). CPR certified. Patient (did i mention i teach high school?) I work hard, and love to laugh and have fun. I live within my means, try to save a little for the rainy days, exercise, eat mostly healthy. My church attendance has been waning a little, due to the fact that my singles wards are either all my youngest siblings ages, 10+ years younger than myself, or are filled with my previous high school students. Talk about awkward. Perhaps its time i settle in to a family ward.. Regardless, i have a strong faith and testimony of Jesus Christ, and my religion. I served and returned a faithful full time LDS missionary. And last, but not least, I'm attractive. (A lot has changed since high school!)
So why can't i find a girl?
When it comes to girls I am incredibly shy, and awkward. Why i don't know.. Why the obsession? Good question. I have thought about this a lot recently, and what i have come up with may sound like an enormous pity party, but it seems to fit.
I won't get into a detailed history of my childhood, but i grew up in a verbally, physically, and emotional abusive household. I honestly have a hard time remembering a lot of my childhood. Former counselors have told me this is because i repress a lot of memories. My memory hasn't been all that great anyway. What i do remember from my childhood isn't a lot of love. In fact, I speak to most of my family as little as possible. There just isn't a lot of love to go around there. Perhaps because there was so many kids. Even within my siblings, i have only spoken to one of my brothers in the past 3 months. Its been at least 6 months for my mother, and working on close to 15 years for my father. What does this have to do with me wanting to find a girlfriend?
I'm a leech.
Okay, so girls reading this (if anyone actually reads this) will probably find that enormously unattractive and run the other way. Little explanation..
Most people in relationships, when they get to the "love" stage, assuming they've figured out what "love" is.. seem to try and categorize their love for a person. Generally a feeling of attachment they have, based on other forms of  "love" they have in their life. When they realize the person they are in "love" with, isn't the one they want to spend forever with, they break up with them, returning to the love and support from within their own family, self, or friends. Therein lies my problem.
I don't feel a lot of love from my family. Close to none if i was to be blunt. Not only have i not communicated with them in a long time, they haven't had any desire to reciprocate it. In fact, none of them even know where i live. Only a few have my phone number, and a couple aren't even Facebook friends! (gasp!) My relationship with friends has turned in to a Facebook only friendship. Granted they are all busy raising families, and living their lives.. But the point is, i don't really have many friends. (refer to above) So when i find someone and fall in love with them, i end up dedicating my entire self to them. I'm not sure if this is good or bad during a relationship, but i can tell you for a surety, that after a breakup, it is a very bad thing!

When i heard the news that my ex was engaged, a bit less than a month after she cheated on me and broke up with me.. It hurt. I don't know why, but it did. Jealousy, abandonment.. who knows..
I wanted someone to talk to about it, so i text my one brother that i still talk to semi regularly, a couple of old college friends, and a very young friend. The friends were all sympathetic, offered their condolences, and insulted the girl to try and make me feel better. My brother laughed at me. Hope that drives home that point.

So ultimately.. Lack of love in my life means i have a great desire to search it out

Anyway- I don't think this really had a point to it.. Just felt like i needed to get it written down somewhere.
If you happen to read this.. let me know. Part of the reason i put it up here is because i doubt anyone actually reads this anymore!

Catacombs, and farewell to Paris

Today was the last day in Paris. We went to the Catacombs. These catacombs were originally mining tunnels. During a disease outbreak caused by insufficient burial practices, many of the graves in several cemeteries were exhumed and the corpses moved to these tunnels. Over time, so many corpses were buried here, the identities were lost and such. Only since 2008 have these tunnels been open to the public. The bones have been lined up and stacked in remembrance of those who gave their lives for a free France. These tunnels go on seemingly forever. Thousands upon thousands of souls now take their place here.

It was awesome-
I have never seen so many bones in my life! It was straight out of a movie or something. Mildly creepy.. but AWESOME!

We finished off the night with a farewell to Paris, watching the world cup, and watching the Eiffel towers final sparkle, and watch it light up the night.

Its a sore sight to leave such a beautiful city with such an interesting history and culture. (did you know paris was laid out using the golden mean?) However, getting back to clean air, water, and costco will be much appreciated. Did i mention clean air? Its a bittersweet feeling, but it is indeed time to come home.

See you all soon!

Music and Motion

Today was a day enriched by music and dance. After spending time at the "white church on the hill", i went to the Louvre to do some shopping. On the way out, i heard a street musician. Upon further investigation, it wasn't just a street musician. This man was playing the cello. He didn't look homeless, or like he was begging, and as he was playing, you could see that he loved his music and instrument. His very soul was out for the world to see. The music was absolutely beautiful. I stood and stared for what must have been 10 or 15 minutes. He played piece after piece of stunningly gorgeous music. I was really moved.
Upon arriving home, i got ready for the ballet. I must say, my french is getting pretty decent! People don't start talking in English when i try and talking french! This ballet was truly something spectacular! It wasn't just about the dancing. The music, and orchestra was just as much an attraction as the dancing! They had an orchestra, accompanied by an entire Japanese drum section, and another group of older Japanese traditional instrument players. (i don't know the name of the instruments.. but apparently not many people know how to play them). The dancing was spectacular. I watched in pure amazement at the control these dancers had with their body. Watching as they effortlessly did a triple followed by a double toure, was.. breathtaking. The lighting and stage effects were so awesome! Its so incredible, i honestly don't have the words to describe it. So.. If you want to know more, you'll have to ask! It is late, and a big day tomorrow.. Au Revoir!

Chaeteu de Versailles

Today, being Sunday, was a bit difficult, with everything closing early and such. We took a train out to the Chaeteu de Versailles. It was built by King Loius the 13th, 14th and 15th, and lived in by queen Marie Antoinette and such. King Loius was also the one who commissioned the Louvre, and stole Ballet as a dance form from the peasants. It was beautiful. Every room was gilded and painted to the extreme, everything having a meaning, and a purpose. The gardens were equally spectacular. The fountains being choreographed to music and such. It is the last piece of the french monarchy left standing, and it is beautiful! Afterward, we made a quick trip to the Arc de Triumph. I wasn't really impressed. Its a big archway, dedicated to the french army. A few crepes later, and a stirring round of phase 10, and i was off to bed. Oh, the most fun part about today was that we got to spend it with Benjamal and Casidoo! Recently married and spending their honeymoon here, we ran into them and made plans! It was fun!

For the love of food

Today was a day of amazing food. I was going to go out with Millie and Logan again for the first part of the day, but i lost them somewhere in between them going to do their laundry, and making out on the Eiffel tower for their anniversary.. Instead, i went and got tickets for a ballet! I am so excited. It took me a while to actually find it. Where the internet said it was, isn't actually where it was. I ended up walking around for a while, and trying to talk to a girl next to a poster for it in french to ask directions, and she looked at me like i was stupid. Not so much because my french is beyond terrible, but because the ballet is at a place called "Opera De Bastille" and the metro nearest it is called.. you guessed it, Bastille. Who'd have guessed though? I know i didn't. Luckily the lady at the ticket office spoke decent English, so i got a good seat! This theater is huge! 3 balconies and i happened to get a seat on the floor. What luck! Yes Sandy- i will take pictures (if I'm allowed) and such just for you! I also visited the Pantheon. It is a work of art in and of itself, but it was built in honor of St. Genevieve, patron saint of France, and Joan of Arc. It has also become the burial place for the "pomp" of France. It houses the corpses of many of the leaders and martyrs of the french revolution, as well as those all the way up until recently, such as Pierre and Marie Currie After that, i went and visited Notre Dame. Honestly not a lot to say about it. Just another giant Gothic style catholic cathedral. It had a giant line into it, which im not sure whether that was because it was free entrance, or because its famous. I wasn't impressed either way, but a good see regardless. I walked past a giant department store on the way back to the metro. Not nearly as big as Harrods was, but still, about 5 floors of stuff. I bought a suitcase to make the trip home easier, and to make sure i wasn't over weight. I went home, dropped that off, and had dinner!

Back on the topic of food. It has been my goal while in France, to never eat the same thing twice. To get a variety of as much french food as i can! I will admit though, i have had crepe's several times. However, they have been different flavors. Today i got a cheese pastry thing while i looked for the ballet. It was good, tasted like a grilled cheese, only the cheese was like.. good, and not.. fake, or American. Very creamy, and where it was on the grill it got all crispy like, and so the cheese extended about 3 inches out from the actual pastry. Yum.
While heading towards the Pantheon, i passed an ice-cream shop. Now, I'm not one for ice-cream, but the sign was in Italian, not french, and said it was a gelato shop, which piqued my interest. BEST-FROZEN-DESSERT-EVER. I am so glad i stopped in there. I'm not entirely sure if it was frozen yogurt, or gelato, but i don't really care. It was paradise. I got a cherry one. It was a plain vanilla base with REAL Cherries and scratch made cherry sauce. It wasn't even blended in at the start. They had pans with the base flavor of ice-cream (yogurt, gelato, whatever. heretofore known as ice-cream) with the topping just piled on top. So when they served it up, they didn't just scoop. They used a thing that almost looked like a pie cutter, and they portioned the base and the topping just right. When they sliced through the ice-cream, it didn't give any resistance, just slid right through, but was still cold and solid. Just perfectly creamy. They had everything from chocolate with chocolate chips, to pineapple and passion fruit. It was.. well.. BEST-FROZEN-DESSERT-EVER. I may break my rule and go back there. It was THAT amazing. The cherries weren't frozen either. They had just the right amount of tooth, but still soft enough to not be more dense than the ice-cream. I am drooling just thinking about it again. Amazing. The funny part was, most of the people in there spoke Italian, not french. nor English. But they were playing a Michael Jackson CD and all singing along, apparently not knowing what they were saying. It was funny, we all sang along and danced. Dance- the universal language.
In France, there are little cafe's just about everywhere. There are a few that have really stood out to me through this trip, and i've been trying to find more like it. I hopped on the metro, picked a random stop, and started walking. Off in the distance, i saw a glowing green restaurant/cafe. One thing i look for when picking a place for dinner is the LACK of words Brasserie (i have no idea what this means) Cafe, Take-Away, and such. This one fit the bill. I also look for places that seem busy, and have families in them. That way, i know i won't be hated for not ordering beer, or wine, as well as not wanting just boring pub-grub. This place was everything i wanted. I walked in, "Bonsoir, un s'il vous plaît" (good evening, one please), and even though i spoke in near perfect french (ha!) they still pulled out an English version of the menu. That actually impressed me. And i was quite glad to have something i could understand. Leons was the place i was at. It is an entire restaurant specializing in mussels! I had no idea when i walked in, but i was actually quite pleased. I like seafood. (are mussels considered seafood?) Anyway, i started with a warm goat cheese salad. It was a salad with a balsamic vinaigrette, with a baguette covered in goat cheese, olive oil, and basil. Its times like this that i am glad i learned how to eat properly. People here give you funny looks if you eat like an American. Anyway, it was very good, very light, and the goat cheese was very creamy. At first i wasn't sure if i wanted it to be on a baguette, as i don't like bread all that much, but it paired very well, and provided a good base to cut the lettuce and such on. It also allowed some absorption of the vinaigrette. These french people are smart when it comes to food. The mussels come out with a side of pomme frittes. (french fries) which i wasn't exactly expecting, and didn't really eat them all, since I'm kind of sick of french fries, whatever country they come from. Anyway- the mussels i got were cooked in a north-France style with bacon and mushrooms and other yummy stuff. They were steamed in the pot they were served in, so none of the flavor was lost. They also brought a basket of french bread to sop up all the yummy. The mussels were amazingly good. There definitely is a difference from fresh mussels, and frozen ones in Utah. One thing i was surprised at is how many there were! It was practically a bucket of mussels! There was tons! Had to be almost 40-50. The meal finished with a cremebrulle. They really mastered the texture here. It was smooth and creamy- nothing like scrambled eggs. The top was hand torched and crispy, and kind of tasted like perfectly burnt marshmallows. I am really glad i found this place!

The french are so good with food- even their cough drops taste good. Try explaining Halls, or cough drops to a french person and they will look at you like your insane, but hold your throat and cough and they will come back with 4 boxes of different stuff. I got the honey and mint ones. Oddly, she warned me not to take more than 6 in a day, and i didn't quite catch why..

Now i just have to figure out if I'm going to Versailles tomorrow, or staying home to catch up on homework..

p.s. The picture is actually the back entrance to the Louvre.. and yes, i look fat. But ya know what? I didn't want to upload any pictures from today, so that's what i get. And.. that's what YOU get!

Musee d'Orsay, the Louvre, and Crepes

Today was interesting. I found out how some of the people on this trip REALLY feel about me, even though they don't know they were loud enough for the entire hotel to hear! Anyway- i found new friends who don't talk about me behind my back, and we had a blast today!

We started out the day by heading to the Louvre. Come to find out, its free for those under 25 on Fridays after 6! Lucky us! Before leaving, some Americans stopped me to take a picture for them. Something about my shirt saying DETROIT tipped them off to us being American also! hee hee. So we headed over to the Musee d'Orsay, which picks up where the Louvre stops. We spent a good chunk of the day there reveling in the bounteousness that is the art world. Mostly good, some awful but still famous. A lot of Monet, and Renoir, and it gave me a chance to show off my artsy fartsy-ness and feel cool by explaining certain aspects of pieces and styles to my friends. Its been fun to get to know everyone OUTSIDE of dance! Millie had eaten a funky sandwich a few days earlier and was feeling a bit sick (flashbacks Mark?) so we took it a bit slow for her. After Orsay, we headed out for some crepes. I learned a valuable lesson today. If you say "parlez-vous l'anglais ?" and someone says yes, it means they really dont speak very good English. If you ask someone that question, and they say, "a little bit" they speak perfect English. And if they say "No, i only speak french" its a funny old black man in front of the museum! Coming home after the Louvre, my friends went home to sleep and use my laptop, while i took a stroll down the streets of paris to find some place to eat. I came across this place called "Indiana Cafe" and had the most amazing chicken curry ive every tasted.. ever. Not only was the rice awesome, but it was stacked in a perfect little pyramid. I stared for a bit before i even ate. To top if all off, the world cup started tonight, and France and Uruguay tied i believe, 0-0. But, being in France, it was crazy downtown, and people kept trying to talk to me and i just smiled and said..

"Im American"

so they walked away, and i walked back home for the night!